Tuesday, March 16, 2010
T. S. Eliot said “the way in is the way out.” And it’s true. A few minutes ago I realized how tense I was, and when I became conscious of it I asked myself what was going on. Immediately I felt a strong emotional constriction along with my aching limbs. In other words, I was in pain! The only way to relieve this pain, which seemed to come from the heart, was to go into it, accept it, listen to it and receive the information it brought.
Then gradually my whole body began to relax. The heartache eased as the reality of the pain was recognized and I learned once again what I’d known before. I need to connect with my feelings.
It’s always hard to receive the message because I must live the pain in order to become more free of it, and of course I don’t want to feel pain! I was reminded of a morning I walked to the subway on my way to the Alexander school, aching all over, muttering: “Boy, am I tired!”
As I became aware of it, I queried the body: “Where are you tired?” The minute I asked, there was a physical response like a soft blow in my solar plexis. Then the rest of my body let go in relief. Was I suffering from a poorly digested breakfast or an emotional reaction? Whatever was happening, the cause was less important than the fact that it no longer held every inch of me hostage in a general vise of fatigue.
This slow-moving experience of discovery taught me that there are several stages to go through if I want to find out what’s really going on. First, I need to wake up to the vague discomfort of physical pain or constriction. Only then can I register it rather than deny there’s something wrong. That’s the second step: to turn toward it, rather than away from it, and give up trying to avoid it.
Third, I have to accept that it’s real, not argue with it (something I do so well!). There are always voices that insist, “but I already took care of that,” or “there’s no point worrying about it now,” or simply “you’ve got to grit your teeth and bear it,” etc.
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